i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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