Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
