would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
