Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
