Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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