Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
