Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
