the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
