Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
