so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
