You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
