The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I skipped work to stalk him.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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