what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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