What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
