If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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