I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
and she was petting her beer can
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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