I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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