i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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