i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
