Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
