turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
