ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
