i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
