if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
