I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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