JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
