my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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