all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
someone owes me an orgasm
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
