Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Boobs speak an international language.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
