I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
