The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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