i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
A bitchslap is in order.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
