she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
