Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
