yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
