Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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