he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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