we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
