So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
