I think I won the penis lottery.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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