there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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