You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
