can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
