if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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