it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
