Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
