I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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