I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
