she woke up with a sticky ear
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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