i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She just used a chaser for red wine.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
you made out with another girl for some wings
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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