when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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